I Give Up…

I’m moving back to Blogger.  I don’t feel at home or welcome here at wordpress….so since Blogger won’t release my old blog but will let me start a new one that is what I did.  This is very important to me as every time I try to leave a comment with this blog title it tells me I don’t own it…so I give up….


Please visit me there….



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Over our weekly breakfast out I said to my husband “Have you made any decisions regarding NYC yet?”

“Well no, I thought you told me I still have 2 weeks to make up my mind, not 2 days…”

“You do, but you know me.  I just thought maybe you had an idea.”

He smiles.  “Well, if nothing else it might be fun to go just to be in the city.”

My best guess it that we’re going to be going…I’m not sure if we’ll participate in the study or not but as he said…at least we will have a day in the city!

As for my job search–you know for the one that I will need after February 4th–I put out about 12 resumes.  I think my updated version looks good, I just hope that someone else thinks so.  Perhaps I should get a second pair of eyes too look at it to be sure.  I suppose if I get some phone calls this week for the ones that I have sent out this weekend, and on Friday of last week then I will know it looks good.  If on the other hand the phone never rings then I will know that I need to re-polish it again.

There is one job that I saw that really tickled my fancy and I’m very much hoping that they call this week.  Hoping, praying, and begging that they call…please please please….

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One Or The Other…

We have a choice looming on the horizon and the horizon is very near…

I’m out of a job on February 4th.  My husbands future is equally unsure.  If the company doesn’t make additional drastic changes he estimates that he has a year at best before he is packing up the last of the warehouse for transport over seas.  It’s a very uncomfortable position to be in…especially when you’re no longer in your 20’s and your reproductive health is already precarious and you’re now closer to 40 than to 30…


We talked last night.  For my husband his issue is BIOLOGY.  He doesn’t have the visceral  need to be parent.  He’s in the “if it happens…” camp.  He has been THRILLED scared to death when I’ve told him I was pregnant.  The thought of bringing home an actual baby is petrifying to him but a prospect that he would welcome with open arms IF it happens for US.  As I mentioned in an earlier post he is however considering foster parenting, but in our county you have to be infertility treatment free for the period of 1 year before entering into the program.

So…he and I have proposed….

If we go to New York THAT IS IT.  If we’re accepted and I get pregnant FANTASTIC.  If we go to New York and I’m not accepted that will really SUCK, but we do two more IUI’s since I will be covered under hubby’s insurance now instead of being my own subscriber which means I haven’t meat my lifetime cap.  If we get pregnant FANTASTIC.  If we don’t (which as hubby said last night I’m getting old) then that will really suck, but we tried and now we’re done.

By done I mean no more pursuit of foster parenting, adoption, or anything short of someone leaving a baby on our door step do we pursue becoming parents.  GULP  truly living child free–no more ‘breaks’ , no more off cycles, no more doctors.

If we choose not to go to New York then we do 2 more IUI’s if they don’t work then in one year we would become foster parents.  This is a great compromise as it touches both of us–it hits my husbands need for biology and my need to be a parent.

Of course neither choice is ideal…both come with stipulations and end games….of course New York also has its own unique set of challenges–IF I am accepted into the program then there is no way I can even contemplate looking for a job.  If I’m accepted into the program then I need to focus fully on that–which is the easy part.  The hard part is the $$ for travel, lodging and food.  While we save $10,000 on IVF we would still be looking at about $2000 just to get there, stay there, and eat there….with no promise that when we get back that I will be with child, or with the possibility of employment.

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Well That Was (NOT) Fun…

I fell asleep easily last night after I said my prayers and then in the pitch black darkness before the light of dawn I snapped awake and could not return to my former slumber.

When the alarm went off I couldn’t shake the feeling that it would be far better to throw the covers back over my head instead of heading into the office.  Alas I crawled out from the comfort of my down duvet cover and took the puppy out as if it were any other payday Friday.

Our joint commute was a quiet one.  What was there to say?  One Friday about to begin and two to go?  See you at lunch?  Don’t shoot the messengers?  Certainly “I love you”  was volley before I walked up the cement sidewalk to the side door.

HR was ever present in our department.  I’m certain to make sure that we weren’t sharpening our knives or spears and once to deliver our second to last official paychecks.  Others who normally would float through with hellos and “what are you doing this weekend”  were either absent or silent.  Those who were normally silent were suddenly chatty as they walked through the moroseness that is now us.

Almost everyone however was incredulous that our department was decimated.  “They could utilize you in other ways!”  Seemed to be the outcry.  Alas its too late.  Our fate is sealed and on February 4th we will walk out into the cold for the last time.

I am blessed–my husband is high enough up in the company that he is safe FOR NOW.  So at least in that regard my insurance is safe and at least FOR NOW so is one of our pay checks.  We’re still in the process of determining if we can take the 7 hour drive to NYC for the IVF study…but I imagine that it is going to be a game time decision…especially since my goal is that I am employed before I’m unemloyed!



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We Will Pay Your Vacation and Severance…

The writing has been on the wall for months.

In May my department lost one of its 3 administrative persons.  In turn I took on two of the jobs that the administration person did without complaint and without a pay increase.

In July one of our department members literally went MIA.  He was ultimately terminated.  His position was not replaced.

In August our second of the administrators moved out of town and ultimately left her position voluntarily.  Her position was not replaced.

In October our ONLY bilingual employee moved.  Her position was not replaced.

Though out November and December our productivity was mapped.  Our errors calculated.  I was working at a high capacity with only a 1.9% error rate.  At my review I received the standard 3% raise.

Today we were “invited” to the conference room to “discuss the future of the department”  As soon as we visualized the VP and the head of HR descending the steps I knew what was coming next.  Especially when the discussion began “No one likes to have this conversation…”

As of February 4th–yes, the day we’re to be in New York to see if we qualify for the IVF study my department will turn off the phones, shut off the lights, and lock our computers for one last time.  As of February 4th I will be without a job.  On Monday February 7th my husband will leave without me for the first time in 18 months for until that day we will have once again worked together for the same company.

I will receive a severance package, and my three weeks of paid vacation as well as unemployment compensation.  However as of this moment with 6 resumes already having been sent out I’m not quite sure at this very moment what will happen on the 4th.  Will I be able to go to New York City knowing that if I’m accepted into the IVF program that I will not be able to look for a job…or should I look for a job knowing that if I get one I will not be able to return to New York City?

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An Adoption Discussion…

We, like many infertile couples have discussed all the options to bridge the gap between coupledom and parenthood.

We’ve discussed adoption in the past.  We’ve discussed it in the recent past.  We discussed it again today.

I want to be a parent.  I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet chasing after the 8 little feet that already go pitter patter in the night.  I want the poop that I have to clean up to come from a small furless human in addition to our fur babies.  I want to walk down the baby food isle of the grocery store and be able to stop and linger instead of holding my breath and hightailing it to the spaghetti sauce a few rows over.  I even want to hold a hot sweaty body next to mine after they’ve thrown up thanks to the roto virus that they picked up at day care.  I want the good, the bad, and even the ugly.

IVF gives us the best chance to become biological parents.  However if we’re not accepted into the study in three weeks the IVF isn’t much of an option.  Even if we’re blessed and we’re accepted–pull a condom out of the fish bowl (a reference to the blog that the spam bots made go away) that doesn’t mean we will become pregnant.  Even if we become pregnant no one can promise me that I will carry to term.  I want to be a parent and I don’t care if I carry the child, or the stork drops him or her on my front porch.

I think I saw the bridge much sooner than my hubby did.  For while he finally see’s it, he isn’t quite ready to cross it, but he isn’t completely crossing it off the list for travel either.  Me, I’m standing on the other side trying to wave him on…

To be continued…

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No, I’m Not Spam…

If you’ve found me from blogger then I thank you.  If you’ve found me through a search engine, welcome.  If you’ve found me completely by accident and think “gee this may be a blog worth reading”  then I hope you enjoy your stay!

Apparently blogger thinks I’m a spammer.

I attempted to log into my email account this morning when I suddenly was unable.  For those who read at my old spot you will remember my mentioning that my email account had been hacked.  I assumed that I had rectified that situation, but apparently not to g@@gle mails satisfaction.  So once again I went through the verification process and my email was restored.  My blog however was not as easy.  They apparently have to verify through certain algorithms that I am a human being and not a robot perhaps?  This can take upwards of two days, and even then they may not grant me the courtesy of re-establishment.

This frustrates me as I had discovered many enjoyable blogs that I had begun following, but that I hadn’t  book marked.  Why wouldn’t I book mark them you ask?  Well because I was following them ON MY BLOG!

So here I am on word press, and I hope to pick up where I left off.

Again, for those of you who are new let me tell you a bit about my space.

I’m 36, and happily married to my high school sweetie.  We have been pregnant thought we have no children, and are feeling the firm grasp of infertility.  Me personally, I’m trying to loose weight.  I gained a TON through simple neglect, depression after my miscarriage, and generally being uninterested in anything physical.

So here I am, and here you are.  Welcome.  Have a seat and enjoy the ride…but fasten your safety belts…it could get bumpy in here.

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